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  • Down and Dirty Duck

    Down and Dirty Duck

    ★½

    Welcome to the sexually-repressed fever dream of the homeless guy screaming at you on the street corner. If there's a plot, I don't know where it's hiding, but probably in some kind of bodily orifice. I'm also not sure if the animation is hyper-stylized or just incredibly shoddy. I'm also not sure if this film has something to say, or if it's just saying something to hear itself talk.

    It's mind-numbingly stupid, painfully pointless, and you just wish it would…

  • Raiders of the Lost Ark

    Raiders of the Lost Ark

    ★★★½

    I feel like I'm being mean to this movie by giving it only three-and-a-half stars. It is a classic after all, and a damn good one. But, if we're being honest, it doesn't do for me now what it once did.

    One thing that struck me is just how violent this movie is. Even though it's rated PG (the PG-13 rating was not introduced until 1984), the violence seems more realistic and visceral than in today's R rated films, like…

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  • In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

    In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

    I love Uwe Boll and I really wanted to like this movie, or at least understand it. I think that he's been judged overly harshly as a filmmaker. I really enjoyed the first film of his that I saw, Postal. Was it a masterpiece? No. But it had balls. It was bizarre and offensive and it had an identity uniquely its own.

    The only way this movie can be said to have balls is in the sheer audacity of how…

  • Final Destination

    Final Destination

    ★★

    Another night, another two star piece of shit movie. Why do I do this to myself? Wouldn't you think I'd eventually treat myself to something good? Well, truth be told, I was trying to this time.

    That last time I saw this movie was when it was in theaters. The year was 2000 and I was 15. Despite not having seen this film in the intervening 19 years, the early scenes of Alex (boring protagonist ordinaire) boarding the plane and…