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  • The Substitute

    The Substitute

    ★★★

    An endearingly stupid combination of racist boomer power fantasy, anti-drug PSA, cheap movie-of-the-week shootemup action pulp and 90's fart comedy. Terrible, but also kind of great, a TNT/USA classic for a reason.

  • Anna

    Anna

    ★★

    TV dinner LA FEMME NIKITA that only generates any real heat in the action moments, as brief as they are. Luss isn't a great actress but she's not helped by this total nothing of a screenplay, the ind of tossed-off 90's potboiler that may as well have gone straight-to-video if not for the production value. There's barely any Besson fun here outside of the action and one amusing montage, if you had told me one of his hack acolytes had…

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  • Antitrust

    Antitrust

    ★★★

    A truly outstanding pile of horseshit, totally underrated as the bad-movie classic it needs to be. Antitrust has it all, including but not limited to

    -A soundtrack that sounds like background music to a car commercial

    -A Ryan Phillipe performance that can only be described as "Zoolanderian"

    -Tim Robbins eating Pringles multiple times on-screen for no reason

    -An extended suspense sequence about Phillipe trying to determine whether or not someone put sesame seeds in his food, as if it's the…

  • Knock Knock

    Knock Knock

    ★★

    Eli Roth Presents Bitches Be Crazy, starring his wife's ass and Keanu Reeves as the ghost of Nicholas Cage.

    I would legitimately give this movie another star if they had played "All Star" at the ending montage instead.