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CheddarGoblin has written 12 reviews for films during 2016.

  • Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

    Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

    It's pretty damn ballsy to use literally FORTY MINUTES of flashback footage from the first movie to set up your dumb sequel. Still, it's kind of a neat-o way to experience the original since it just filters out everything but the kills and the boobs.

    Once the actual movie finally gets off the ground, however, all attention turns toward our remarkable leading man. I'm not sure how the fuck he was cast in this. His only previous credit was an…

  • Silent Night

    Silent Night

    ★★★

    Yeah...I don't know if you're actually permitted to have the sheriff of your small Midwestern town be British without any sort of explanation.

  • The Conjuring 2

    The Conjuring 2

    ★★

    Bloated date-night horror by the numbers. Next time maybe let's not have our lead character perform a full Elvis cover so we can bring this in under two hours.

  • 31

    31

    ★★

    Rob Zombie writes every character the same way. And it's a character I hate.

  • Jack Frost

    Jack Frost

    If Lifetime decided to make a horror movie, it would be Jack Frost.

  • Gremlins

    Gremlins

    ★★★½

    I've spent my entire adult life looking for a party as fucking lit as the gremlins throwing down at Dorry's Tavern.

  • The Stuff

    The Stuff

    ★★★★

    There are still some good eighties horror movies out there I haven't seen yet, and I enjoy them the same way a guy trapped in a nuclear bunker savors his last bag of M&Ms.

  • Halloween II

    Halloween II

    ★★★

    Back in the early 1980s, all the patients and doctors at the hospital simply went home at night...last one out please shut off the lights and lock the door. All you had hanging around was a skeleton crew made up of a couple of big-titted nurses.

    P.S. This movie has an actor in it named Dick Warlock. His name is so good they gave him three roles. Strong move.

  • Tusk

    Tusk

    ★★

    For about the first 45 minutes I was tricked into thinking this would be good, based mainly on the efforts of Michael Parks. But then things ended up going in different directions all at once in that Kevin Smith kind of way where you feel like you've had four beers even though you're stone sober. The horror and comedy in this movie did not emulsify very well.

  • Event Horizon

    Event Horizon

    ★★★½

    The scariest part of this movie is the CGI. No but for real doe, plenty of cheap jump scares executed flawlessly made me happy to revisit this movie.

    Two things that require explaining:

    1) Where was OSHA when this ship was being built? You look down at your phone to read a text and you end up walking into a four-foot metal spike or toppling off a catwalk into a literal meat grinder.

    2) Not one, but TWO characters who…

  • From Beyond

    From Beyond

    ★★★★

    It's a rare movie that will prompt me to say, "This is fucking awesome," out loud, in a room with zero other people in it.

  • Spy

    Spy

    ★★½

    Comedies should be 90 minutes or less. It's a fact. I read it in The Bible.