Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

imagine having to go up to a harry potter fan from 2008 and explain some of this shit to them. 
"so," you'd say, voice breaking, "here's the thing. dumbledore's secret brother, who is at least 20 years younger than dumbledore, was in a relationship with voldemort's snake." 
"wait, so aberforth fucks goats and this new one fucks snakes?" they'd say, laughing with the blissful ignorance of not yet thinking this is real.
"well, she's sort of human."
"oh, like an animagus?"
"no. she's a new, more racist thing. also grindelwald (jamie campbell bower) seduced dumbledore and then grindelwald (colin farrell) seduced dumbledore's secret brother. and apparently colin farrell's wizarding dick was so good that dumbledore's secret brother left his snake girlfriend to join grindelwald (johnny depp)."
and they'd say, "oh, johnny depp is playing grindelwald? sure, that's slightly odd casting, but it's 2008 and i like johnny depp," and your heart would break clean in two because now you have to Tell Them. 
desperately, you'd try to think of something positive to share about the universe they love (because really, the miracle of time travel for this?) and would be forced to settle on, "dumbledore's secret brother is a very beautiful man. terrible haircut but, you know, cheekbones."