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  • Pet Sematary

    Pet Sematary

    ★½

    This version strips out all the grief, confusion, and torment that comes with death, which is an odd choice for a story that is inherently about those things. I like the procession of the kids in the masks but everything else about this is lifeless and lazy. Makes Mary Lambert's 1989 adaptation look borderline visionary in comparison.

  • Aladdin

    Aladdin

    ★½

    Its movies like this that really make you envy all those people who got kidnapped by Jigsaw.

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  • Polar

    Polar

    The inevitable edge-lord variation on John Wick. Men who DM porn stars at 3 AM and leave all-caps comments on female journalists tweets are about to have a new favorite movie.

  • Avengers: Endgame

    Avengers: Endgame

    ★★

    *makes the jerk-off hand motion until the sun goes supernova*