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  • Alita: Battle Angel

    Alita: Battle Angel

    ★★½

    the alita: battle angel recipe...

    a sprinkle of the momo challenge
    147 extras pulled straight from the local tj maxx
    a heavy dose of knock-off ansel elgort
    a dash of quidditch on roller skates
    a splash of dog blood to be wiped on like war paint
    toss in death, a lot of death, but limbs, let's lose those
    and for the cherry on top, edward norton?

    (for extra flavor, let a fucking rat run loose around your theater like it did in mine so you too can feel the exhilaration and grime of alitaville)

  • Aquaman

    Aquaman

    movies are bad and this little social experiment that we call cinema comes to an end NOW

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  • Mary Queen of Scots

    Mary Queen of Scots

    ★★★

    saoirse: ay wee bruv didnye realize im queen nae, a got tae smash this blonde twaenk, pop outta baby n kill david tennant fer lookin like some wee shite rasputin twat.. this crown u wan? over me deed body

    margot as pennywise the clown: [british accent] so this is getting us another oscar nom right?

  • Dunkirk

    Dunkirk

    ★★★★

    tom hardy: *mumbles*
    fionn whitehead: *mumbles*
    harry styles: *mumbles*
    cillian murphy: *mumbles in coward*
    kenneth branagh: *mumbles slightly less*
    mark rylance: *mumbles with an oscar*
    hans zimmer: TICK TOCK MOTHERFUCKER