Godzilla ★½

The poster for Godzilla: King of Monsters [2019] was cool and I decided I wanted to see it, but figured I should watch this one first. Not having any foundational knowledge about said monster or his movies, I decided to watch the original [1954] and also Shin Godzilla [2016] knowing full well that I was setting myself up for disappointment watching the two films of the franchise that are specifically not goofy giant lizard superhero stuff.

Regardless, given the strong 'Zilla design of this new American series, I was hoping to at least be able to enjoy this as a dumb monster action film. The biggest problem here? Godzilla literally doesn't show up until a whole hour in, doesn't do anything, and then only shows up two more times in the next hour. They came up with ONE cool thing for him to do right at the film's climax, but even that feel rushed and undeserved at that point.

So what do we have? 2 hours of incredibly bland, blatant military propaganda with only the barest ideas of how human emotions work. There's so much forced tragedy in this movie and none of it is built up or pulled off with any grace. The main character's mom is killed 15 minutes in, and then after a 15 year timeskip, his father is killed half an hour later. From their, our main character (as much as he can be called that), a navy trained bomb expert, is conveniently whisked away from destruction scene to destruction scene around the world to perform some act of heroism or another.

The Bofas or Fupas or whatever the monsters are called are not convincingly frightening or even interesting. Very little of the destruction feels meaningful or threatening at all as most of it happens out in the wilderness, at secret military bases, and in the heart of Las Vegas. 'Zilla himself has only the barest of build up or backstory and it's not made clear at all why the ONE japanese guy is convinced that 'Zilla will be a friend to humanity and furthermore why he's right about that. Why does Godzilla share a moment of emotional eye-contact with our main military boy???

Bland, meaningless, unexciting film. Bad story, bad action, bad score, bad dialogue. Full star for not being totally horrid + a bonus half star for making Godzilla hot