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  • Beach Nut

    Beach Nut

    ★★★★½

    Possibly the most abstract of Giuseppe's films. Very different from his previous. Cuts deep//dies slow. This is the most recent film of his I've seen and one of the only that appears to have been made further than walking distance from the trailer park. It stars only him although there are several people credited who never appear in the film. What is this house? Giuseppe Andrews in a Countryside McMansion? He seems to be playing an old man, who shuffles…

  • The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

    The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

    ★★½

    Fred and Barney, roommates in a trailer park. Wearers of the cutest pajamas. Clunky off-brand runny leftovers prequel but shockingly made by the same man. Responsible for masterpieces such as Problem Child 2 and Jingle All the Way. I shouldn't be surprised but the truth is, Viva Rock Vegas makes big promises and fails to deliver. Budgetary restraints taken into consideration, the story isn't great and casting is a piece of shit.

    The star of the movie is PUPPY DINO.…

  • The Flintstones

    The Flintstones

    ★★★★★

    Hollywood pretty much peaked here, didn't it? A natural progression (evolution, ha!) of the machine after the success of Jurassic Park the previous year. What amazes me about The Flintstones is the level of commitment that went into every detail of production design and costumes. Fucking well done, people. If there's one thing I love it's a cartoon dinosaur that is live action and also completely realistic. I would give anything for Dino to be real and to be able…

  • Death from Beyond

    Death from Beyond

    ★★★

    Egyptian CGI Halloween costume transcendence. Step inside of an Edgar Cayce/UFO conspiracy book cover. This is no New Age Egyptian feast, inside of those computer generated pyramids is a test of my patience. Either inaudible or ear piercing, nothing in between. While I appreciate an Ancient Egyptian Ghost Witch in gladiator sandals, the peripheral story is unsatisfactory. So much so that I forget if it actually exists.

    Comes back to life somewhere in the middle with an exotic sacrifice by…

  • Cutting Room!

    Cutting Room!

    ★★★★

    Welcome to Lloyd Kaufman's Goodwill Hunting poster. Essentially, TROMA. Troma branding, Trademark Troma figureheads, Troma product placement, and Lloyd of course. The ultimate Troma commodity.

    And then there's Trent Haaga who I hate myself for being attracted to. He may or may not be responsible for an unexpected, and frankly unwanted, sexual awakening while watching "Terror Firmer" in high school.


    An even more startling revelation occurred after laying eyes on the principle actress, Lyla Sullivan. As soon as I saw…

  • Dead North

    Dead North

    ★★★

    It's important to know the events of today, not because they relate to the film but because I want you to. I woke up late this morning, skipped breakfast, drove to Warren's where we're doing archival work. I made coffee and put on a playlist of albums I enjoy or need to further examine from 2019 (because it is June). The first Album was by Puzzle, so the day started out fine. I'm working on a Giallo so even when…

  • Road House 2: Last Call

    Road House 2: Last Call

    ★★½

    Jake Busey as a meth dealer = Guy Fieri. I always want him to be more like his Dad but I guess that isn't something I should wish on a person. He was good though, almost made it worth the movie but a little too restrained. He's on the edge of goofy but he never quite gets there. His wardrobe is perfect, a bowling shirt with horizontal flames and barbed wire. Aw inspiring Fred Durst Weenie Roast aesthetic.

    So wait,…

  • Terror at Baxter U

    Terror at Baxter U

    ★★

    Same director as bland movie-gallery-sploitation movie "The Invitiation" from dcon. Opens with Faculty-ish class room sex scene interrupted by viscous monster attack. Bloody half-skeletonized corpse in the middle of the hallway and the next morning students just go about their business. Like maybe cancel school for the day?

    Ummm, a chupacabra is NOT a female vampire. What is this?? I never quite figured it out. Scariest part of the movie is the boiler room b-roll that plays during the credits.

    Like the Invitation, there's a shell of a watchable movie but ultimately fails to meet any of my requirements.

  • The Traveler

    The Traveler

    ★★★½

    A quiet place in the country//scenic trip to a cruel death

    Tone/pace/delivery. The acting is actually not terrible, a little stiff but also like maybe that's just who these people are? Lucifer shows up and it turns into a gruesome slow burn torture porn show. Red Room amping up to Olaf Ittenbach sentiments. BONE SCRAPING gore. Caught me WAY off guard. Some will want to see it for that reason alone. I typically hate this kind of thing but it…

  • Lifeblood

    Lifeblood

    ★★

    File under Vampires I Don't Care About. Goth shaming, Screamo vampire club, pleather hookers, a fat pet cat calmly sitting in the corner during dramatic vampire hunting and slaying scene. Seems unaware that there are even people in the those. Underground catacomb goth furniture store meet-up. All girl pagan coke techno death party with a Mike's Hard Lemonade sign sitting on the living room floor. It should come as no surprise that only the female vampires are interesting. Black mass pure sacrifice glowing levitating ghost resurrection/cgi falling fire balling vampire bubble flambe.

  • Disk Jockey

    Disk Jockey

    ★★

    TOMB OF TERRORS, I HAVE ARRIVED.

    My favorite thing about this movie is that it fast forwards through itself. Girl fights in high school bathrooms. Matrixy D.E.B.S. fight Gun-Fu sequence with a surreal Rube Goldberg quality in it's comedic reveals. I have to assume that this was a student film. It seems like the entire student body makes cameos. So many odd shots of people walking down the street.

    I tease but it actually maintained my interest (reluctantly) throughout the…

  • Always Watching: A Marble Hornets Story

    Always Watching: A Marble Hornets Story

    ★★★½

    Slender Man turns ten this year. There have already been so many movies in it's short existence, it's no wonder they've been mostly disappointing. I have a pretty high tolerance for found footage movies, and I easily fall for cliche trappings. Having low expectations has once again served me "well" because I actually liked this. It made me think about the reasons why The Ghost Dimension is my favorite of the Paranormal Activities. The use of digital video to make…