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  • Suspiria



    Happy Mother's Day to me!

    My mom had to go to Louisiana to attend a graduation ceremony today, so instead of spending the holiday with her I got to spend it with Mother Suspiriorum.

    Dario Argento's Suspiria has been one of my all-time favorite movies since I was a sophomore in high school, but I remained optimistic about this remake because I think Guadagnino is one of the greatest living auteurs. With that being said, I still prefer Argento's freaky…

  • The Pass

    The Pass


    Toxic Masculinity: The Movie

    The tale of two closeted footballers whose lives go down wildly divergent paths after a night of intimacy in their youth. The film is made up of three long scenes spanning a decade, the first one being the weakest due to incredibly unnatural dialogue. Most of you would probably give The Pass a solid two stars, but I'm rating it higher based on the strength of Russell Tovey's performance in scenes two and three. Homeboy can act. "I ain't gay. Gay ain't even an option. It's fucking 1966 out there, darling. It's fucking 1066."

  • Duck Butter

    Duck Butter


    Mumblecore done right.

  • The Eye

    The Eye


    I expected The Eye to be bad, but I had no idea it would be this bad. I'm surprised to see that this was directed by the same duo who made Them (2006) because that film genuinely creeped me out (in a good way). How could they have released this dud only two years later? I have no problem with jump scares when they are done well, but The Eye features ineffective jump scare after ineffective jump scare. Jessica Alba's…

  • Mandy



    Mandy didn't click with me on the same level as Beyond the Black Rainbow, but I refuse to give a low rating to a psychedelic bloodbath that features: A.) the best performance of Nicolas Cage's career, B.) flawless cinematography, C.) a surreal aesthetic ripped straight from my imagination, D.) a cokehead Cenobite biker gang, and E.) full-frontal male nudity. Panos Cosmatos is a madman, and I love him dearly. I suspect I might bump this up to 5 stars upon rewatch.

  • Seven in Heaven

    Seven in Heaven


    If David Lynch directed an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? you would get Seven in Heaven (which, now that I'm thinking about it, makes this nonsensical dud of a teenybopper thriller sound much more interesting than it actually is).

  • Only God Forgives

    Only God Forgives


    Ryan Gosling standing silently in red lighting for an hour and a half while Kristin Scott Thomas somehow manages to look hot in aging-Paris-Hilton drag? Automatic 5-star rating!

  • 27: Gone Too Soon

    27: Gone Too Soon

    Arguably the worst edited documentary I've ever seen. None of the talking heads interviewed seemed to know anything about the dead musicians they were discussing. The only interesting tidbit I learned from this shoddy film is that Gary Numan, whose music I've loved for many years, has Asperger's syndrome. Who knew?

  • Eighth Grade

    Eighth Grade


    Gregg Araki got it all wrong about Gen X. Gen Z is the real Doom Generation. Bo Burnham's Eighth Grade provided me with my most harrowing cinematic experience to date. I cringed and squirmed in my seat nonstop for 94 minutes. Give Elsie Fisher all the awards.

  • Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

    Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?


    I am tempted to give this ridiculous melodrama 5 stars simply for having the greatest title in all of made-for-TV movie history.

    This movie is somehow both better and worse than I remember it being, and now I'm just really looking forward to watching James Franco's 2016 "horror reimagining" of this mid-'90s schlockfest. Lord help me.

  • God's Own Country

    God's Own Country


    G: "You're a freak ... faggot."

    J: "Fuck off ... faggot."


  • Grace of Monaco

    Grace of Monaco


    Grace of Monaco is a challenging film to rate because it's essentially a Lifetime Channel movie with a larger budget and an A-list actress in the lead role. Honestly, I find it difficult to believe that it received a theatrical release. The script, with its often cringeworthy expository dialogue, merits one star. The costume design is wonderful (Who wouldn't want to see Nicole Kidman looking exquisite in fancy gowns for 103 minutes?). Kidman, as always, delivers a solid performance, even…