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  • The Keep

    The Keep

    ★★★★½

    88

    An unresolved tumble into the ether. Michael Mann begins in the light of the sky and tilts down towards a convoy of Nazis as they arrive at a dead end, one of human fragility and limitation. Their aspirations of a higher force, a plane beyond mere moral existence, is the cusp of the incomprehensible beauty and horror of Mann's tattered masterwork, but the meat is in how they do not see the dead-end in front of them, which is…

  • The Parent Trap

    The Parent Trap

    ★★★★

    75

    *nervously steps up to microphone*

    so uh yeah The Parent Trap is a delightful film by Nancy Meyers....

    *sweat begins to build on brow*

    ...it is handsomely photographed by Dean Cundey and it finds a warm balance between disillusioned relationships and the presence of time....

    *armpits are now fully moistened, paranoia sets in*

    ....um...uhhh.....*gulp*....Lindsay Lohan gives an astonishing double performance as both Annie.....ughdhseue.....and Hallie Parker....

    *paranoia morphs into rage, Fight Club chant mode engaged*

    HER NAME WAS KELSEY MORGAN LOHAN. HER NAME WAS KELSEY MORGAN LOHAN. HER NAME WAS KELSEY MORGAN LOHAN.

    *two silenced shots ring out, audience runs in terror*

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  • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    ★★★★½

    87

    Setting: Marvel Board Meeting

    Kevin: "And then I said, we already put in 3 end-credits scenes, how about 2 more?!?"

    *eruptive laughter*

    Marvel Exec #2: "You're such a card, Kevin."

    Kevin: "These movies don't make themselves!"

    Marvel Exec #3: "Well I mean they kinda do. That's why we installed that conveyer belt in northern Idaho and everything."

    Kevin: "You got me there!"

    *Meeting Room door opens*

    Kevin: "Well look who it is, our crazy director intern, come in James."…

  • Warcraft

    Warcraft

    15/100

    Me: Hi, I'd like one ticket for Warcraft please.

    Ticket guy: Did you bring your strategy guide?

    Me: Wait, what?

    Ticket guy: Have you played The Burning Crusade and Wrath of The lich King?

    Me: Waitwaitwait...slow down.

    Ticket guy: What about Cataclysm, Mists of Pandaria, and Warlords of Draenor?

    Me: I don't even know what a Draenor is.

    Ticket guy: Are you excited for Legion?

    Me: Is that based on the demon movie with Dennis Quaid?

    *Ticket guy sighs, rips ticket, and points the way towards the auditorium*

    Ticket guy: Good luck.